The Proper Rap Battle You Missed

As intense as Kedrick Lamar and Drake's, but with tea and cricket.

The Bad Boys of Chappery

If you simply must know, I find myself on a rather vigorous writing jag, making up for lost time and a youth spent in carefree insouciance. Today’s piece, I must confess, rather deviates from my usual fare (!) Yet, I find their music is an absolute lark, and frankly, we could all do with a bit of mirth, what?

This dear reader, is the Substack article I was positively born to write—an ode to a most peculiar and delightful corner of hip-hop, steeped in the finest traditions of British eccentricity and a to rivalry into which one might well sink their well-appointed, grillz-free, gnashers.

And not a single unbecoming word, I assure you.

Somewhere in the verdant salad days of the 2010s, I stumbled upon a most singular delight—Chap Hop! A genre of rap delivered exclusively in the Queen’s own Received Pronunciation. My entree into this oh so pretentious world was a YouTube ditty performed by a proper steampunk of a gentleman whose nom de plume was Professor Elemental.

In my generosity, I have assembled a veritable treasure trove of YouTube links for your perusal so that you might fully grasp the sheer brio of what these chaps are laying down.

The first video I encountered, was the Professors Fighting Trousers. An absolute corker—delightful, magical, and so utterly unexpected that it sent me into peals of laughter, prompting a flurry of texts to my acquaintances. Most of whom, tragically, failed to grasp my elation.

But then, they were wankers (not an unbecoming word, especially when accurate).

I was positively chuffed to bits! Here, at last, was something jauntily irreverent—lighthearted and utterly charming—for my young daughters to enjoy. A delightful counterpoint to the often rather coarse and, dare I say, misogynistic imagery that occasionally permeates American hip-hop. (Not all, obviously. There exists some, by Henry, of which I am most confirmational!)